Losing control.

It's unbelievable and it feels all over my skin.
It's almost like a touch. Like an image on a VCR that you keep playing over and over again and again . Just that it's a feeling. A look . There are so many memories , so many things we shared with others , so many things we would love to repeat , just that it's not possible in real world , but there are so many things that you can do inside your mind that it becomes painful, playing that VCR over and over again. It would be better to let it go , but when you discover that thing that suits your needs and you are perfectly conscious that it cannot be yours just because it's only one and it's already taken , you cannot act rationally.
And it's even harder to be aware of it. I mean , if I were sort of insane , not realising in which kind of shit I am getting in , it would be teoretically Ok. But , as I am not sort of insane , or at least that's what I like to think , I am realising perfectly what kind of shit I am getting in , iI am totally aware of what a big mistake I am doing. And still , I am not stopping , thing which is probably due to some kind of insanity in an incipient phase.
So repeating the VCR , being aware of it being wrong it's all upside down and I just can't help it.
I felt some sort of change in myself long ago and I have to be grateful for it to some people but I can't get to the point to understand the perception of others of my own change.Well , it's nice , I was surprised myself how fine it is to be popular and quite famous and knowing people that others would die to know , doing things for which others consider you special , but it's not enough. Never enough.
I am never satisfied. I am also aware that I am an exception for my generation , at least in my highschool , but still I am not ... what I want from myself. Being part of the stream is wrong but being against is also wrong. I feel I have no connection with school , there is no bond , I see no point in attending all those classes. Knowing better is depressing. Knowing that I am not the peak , but the bottom of the hill it feels wrong. Ashin Sopaka , a budhist monk , told me the other day that you should never quit you trial to conquer mount everest. But mount Everest seems to be growing and I seem to never achieve any check point in its climbing. Should I give up ? What if I can't? What if I am so into this I just can't give up right now? What if I know that the thing , that prize which is taken, is up there? I want it , I yearn to have it and still know I can't achieve it in some ways but I possibly can in others .
I need to find myself. And I can only find myself in unimportant , irrelevant actions which bring me closer to some check point on Everest , but the check point seems to be far away.
And the prize , oh the prize . It's helping me. The prize is helping me to reach it. It's an electric bound and sometimes when I look up and I can distinguish it and i can almost feel its gaze upon me , I feel as if I am shattered into 1000 pieces and then reborn . But still , the prize does not know it's going up , it's just something like the lottery , week after week growing and growing. Growing and slipping away.
I feel the need to escape all this , to leave it all behind and rediscover myself. Forget about the prize , the world, to reinvent myself. But still , I permanently have its sight in my view and I can't forget it. It's constantly fresh and constantly renewing.
it's firstly blank , then surprised , then electric , then constant. Neverevending.

But you know , I'm being stereotypical right now , but
it's just so typically me , that i shouldn't have a doubt that it's gonna go , gonna vanish into thin air.
But still , there's that what if. Wondering what it would have been like or even how it would be like. And I'm curious if just reaching the prize for one day would satisfy me. And would the prize be satisfied with its new , one-day owner?
So many questions. But , hell , we're only human , there's no time to answer it.
At least it keeps my head busy from all sorts of other crap.
Uh, I'm being messy about writing again but so what? It's already some sort of personal diary right here so there's no need in hiding.

and uh , i need some coffee , or some tea or something.

Good night ,

Iulia

touch

 ma tot gandesc asa de la o vreme la atingeri.
Cat de importante sunt atingerile , de tot felul,
cat contribuie la starea noastra de spirit , la
emotii , la impresiile pe care ni le cream.

Daca cineva te ia in brate ca sa te imbarbateze,
sau pur si simplu iti strange mana  o sa te simti
bine , pe moment si o sa ramai cu o impresie
placuta despre persoana aia , care a avut curajul
sa te atinga . chiar daca o alta persoana te
incurajeaza verbal , o atingere valoreaza mult mai
mult , o bataie pe spate , o imbratisare.

Dar nu la asta ma gandesc eu in seara asta.
Ma gandesc la un alt tip de atingeri. Ma gandesc
la o anumita zi cand atingerile numite mangaieri
erau insotite de atingeri numite sarutari si ma
gandesc la senzatia de a fi intinsa in propriul pat
si de a experimenta. Mda , stiu , suna dubios ,
dar asa a si fost. Dubios si al dracului de bine :)).

Cred ca atingerile astea spun mult mai mult.
Ma gandesc la senzualitate. Ma gandesc la multe
chestii perverse in clipa asta , dar prefer sa nu le
zic , desi o sa spun ca atingerile au o anumita
tenta sexuala , indiferent de care ar fi ele[ sper
doar sa fie intre persoane de sex opus ].

Daca nu ne am atinge nu am mai avea aceeasi
intensitate a trairilor. Daca ati vazut city of angels
si sacrificiul pe care il face cage aka seth , doar
pentru a o atinge pe ea - avea si o replica ca ar
fi dat eternitatea doar ca sa i poata mirosi o data
parul si sa o sarute o data . mi aduc aminte si de
ce bulversat era saracul la primul orgasm , caci
sa fim seriosi , asa virgina cum sunt , sunt convinsa
ca sexul nu ar mai exista fara atingerile din timpul
si de dinaintea lui.Atingerile sunt un fel de semnale
ca esti dispus sa ... primesti mai mult sau nu.
Atingerile spun mai mult decat cuvintele.
si blogul asta e o intreaga lalaiala,
daca ti as pune o mana pe umar si ti-as spune:
prietene , pune mana pe fata ca nu te musca ,
as avea un impact mult mai puternic decat daca
as sta la 2 metri de tine si ti as spune : tre' sa faci
ceva. Sau decat am eu acum scriind pe acest blog.

Ah , exemplu pot sa va dau 2 prieteni [ adica o
prietena si un tembel ] care se plac [ e evident].
Dar : ea nu il atinge in timp ce sta de vorba
cu el pentru ca ar parea prea deschisa si e extrem
de orgolioasa si nu vrea sa cedeze prima , iar el
e prea timid [ sau nu stiu , ceva de genu , depinde
de dispozitie ] ca sa faca ceva mai mult. Stiu ca
au starnit indignarea la un moment dat , o colega
zicea: da de ce dracu no ia si o saruta , sta la 2 metri
ca prostu . Recent au ajuns la 1.30 metri.

E o chestie de body language daca stau sa ma gandesc
mai bine. Exista niste limite intre sexi si intim , si
prietenesc si doar deschis.

Pana la urma traim intr-o lume perversa care
se gandeste tot timpul , mai mult sau mai putin la
sex  si la interpretarea gesturilor. Unele sunt clare,
altele nu , e o chestie care depinde de cum vrei sa
interpretezi. si evident , de  ce si cum
vrei sa transmiti.

Eah , totul e interpretabil , noi sa fim sanatosi :)
Cand n avem ce face sa scriem pe bloguri si
sa fim perversi dar nu in vazul lumii prea mult:D.

:)
Iulia