Tre sa fac ceva cu blogu ista.
Nu imi place , vreau sa trec pe wordpress , dar mi-e drag conceptul de blogspot , pentru ca aici mi-am inceput "cariera" de blogger. Pfai de capu meu ce da sentimentalisme 8-.
Neah , not that myriam lacroche anymore. Sunt prea cinica ca sa mai fiu asa romantica.
Dar sunt conservatoare si daca m-am apucat de un blog pe blogspot apai asa ramane.
Si cu hi5-ul fac la fel. il am de printr-a 5 a , aveam aproape 500 de poze stranse in 6 ani , m-am indurat acum o saptamana sa sterg ce nu era cu mine , ce nu era relevant , chestii de prin gimnaziu care nu-si aveau rostul si am ramas cu 162 de poze. Nu pot sa-mi sterg contu de hi5. E un fel de album personal , cand am chef sa-mi aduc aminte de vacante , BR2008 , viata mea before highschool , acolo ma duc . Nu mai am poze in calculator , chestie care sucks , deci ma uit la poze pe hi5 . am cont si pe picassa , l-am facut ca sa share-uiesc cu some friends niste poze , dar hi5-ul e mai practic. nu simt nevoia sa primesc commenturi.
Fix asa e si cu blogu : am un istoric al tuturor lucrurilor pe care le-am debitat si nu am de gand sa trec pe wordpress si sa pierd 150 de postari [ wow!]. Nu scriu sa ajung ca zoso , sau pitzi.org , scriu ca asa imi vine mie.
recent l-am utilizat pentru creatie literara. initial mi s-a parut super chestia scrisa. Acum ca orice chestie scrisa de mine : it sucks. ma consolez cu garcia marquez care zicea ca el nu si-a recitit cartile decat poate una sau doua la batranete pentru ca la putin timp dupa publicare i se pareau foarte proaste.
Deci pastrez blogu si incerc sa aduc un suflu nou. make it more readable ;;).
In rest? Vacanta , passion & stuff. Der buch. lots of buchs:)). Trop buchs , ca sa le combin pe toate 3. Mai ich spreche deutsch , pe ici pe colo , mai un film , mai un nerv pe baza de plictis , mai un edit de poze pentru dev , mai o iesire in oras...
nimic nou sub soare...
Si totusi , cred ca trec pe wordpress. Sau nu.
ma mai gandesc.
J.
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marți, 14 iulie 2009
duminică, 22 martie 2009
Losing control.
It's unbelievable and it feels all over my skin.
It's almost like a touch. Like an image on a VCR that you keep playing over and over again and again . Just that it's a feeling. A look . There are so many memories , so many things we shared with others , so many things we would love to repeat , just that it's not possible in real world , but there are so many things that you can do inside your mind that it becomes painful, playing that VCR over and over again. It would be better to let it go , but when you discover that thing that suits your needs and you are perfectly conscious that it cannot be yours just because it's only one and it's already taken , you cannot act rationally.
And it's even harder to be aware of it. I mean , if I were sort of insane , not realising in which kind of shit I am getting in , it would be teoretically Ok. But , as I am not sort of insane , or at least that's what I like to think , I am realising perfectly what kind of shit I am getting in , iI am totally aware of what a big mistake I am doing. And still , I am not stopping , thing which is probably due to some kind of insanity in an incipient phase.
So repeating the VCR , being aware of it being wrong it's all upside down and I just can't help it.
I felt some sort of change in myself long ago and I have to be grateful for it to some people but I can't get to the point to understand the perception of others of my own change.Well , it's nice , I was surprised myself how fine it is to be popular and quite famous and knowing people that others would die to know , doing things for which others consider you special , but it's not enough. Never enough.
I am never satisfied. I am also aware that I am an exception for my generation , at least in my highschool , but still I am not ... what I want from myself. Being part of the stream is wrong but being against is also wrong. I feel I have no connection with school , there is no bond , I see no point in attending all those classes. Knowing better is depressing. Knowing that I am not the peak , but the bottom of the hill it feels wrong. Ashin Sopaka , a budhist monk , told me the other day that you should never quit you trial to conquer mount everest. But mount Everest seems to be growing and I seem to never achieve any check point in its climbing. Should I give up ? What if I can't? What if I am so into this I just can't give up right now? What if I know that the thing , that prize which is taken, is up there? I want it , I yearn to have it and still know I can't achieve it in some ways but I possibly can in others .
I need to find myself. And I can only find myself in unimportant , irrelevant actions which bring me closer to some check point on Everest , but the check point seems to be far away.
And the prize , oh the prize . It's helping me. The prize is helping me to reach it. It's an electric bound and sometimes when I look up and I can distinguish it and i can almost feel its gaze upon me , I feel as if I am shattered into 1000 pieces and then reborn . But still , the prize does not know it's going up , it's just something like the lottery , week after week growing and growing. Growing and slipping away.
I feel the need to escape all this , to leave it all behind and rediscover myself. Forget about the prize , the world, to reinvent myself. But still , I permanently have its sight in my view and I can't forget it. It's constantly fresh and constantly renewing.
it's firstly blank , then surprised , then electric , then constant. Neverevending.
But you know , I'm being stereotypical right now , but
it's just so typically me , that i shouldn't have a doubt that it's gonna go , gonna vanish into thin air.
But still , there's that what if. Wondering what it would have been like or even how it would be like. And I'm curious if just reaching the prize for one day would satisfy me. And would the prize be satisfied with its new , one-day owner?
So many questions. But , hell , we're only human , there's no time to answer it.
At least it keeps my head busy from all sorts of other crap.
Uh, I'm being messy about writing again but so what? It's already some sort of personal diary right here so there's no need in hiding.
and uh , i need some coffee , or some tea or something.
Good night ,
Iulia
It's almost like a touch. Like an image on a VCR that you keep playing over and over again and again . Just that it's a feeling. A look . There are so many memories , so many things we shared with others , so many things we would love to repeat , just that it's not possible in real world , but there are so many things that you can do inside your mind that it becomes painful, playing that VCR over and over again. It would be better to let it go , but when you discover that thing that suits your needs and you are perfectly conscious that it cannot be yours just because it's only one and it's already taken , you cannot act rationally.
And it's even harder to be aware of it. I mean , if I were sort of insane , not realising in which kind of shit I am getting in , it would be teoretically Ok. But , as I am not sort of insane , or at least that's what I like to think , I am realising perfectly what kind of shit I am getting in , iI am totally aware of what a big mistake I am doing. And still , I am not stopping , thing which is probably due to some kind of insanity in an incipient phase.
So repeating the VCR , being aware of it being wrong it's all upside down and I just can't help it.
I felt some sort of change in myself long ago and I have to be grateful for it to some people but I can't get to the point to understand the perception of others of my own change.Well , it's nice , I was surprised myself how fine it is to be popular and quite famous and knowing people that others would die to know , doing things for which others consider you special , but it's not enough. Never enough.
I am never satisfied. I am also aware that I am an exception for my generation , at least in my highschool , but still I am not ... what I want from myself. Being part of the stream is wrong but being against is also wrong. I feel I have no connection with school , there is no bond , I see no point in attending all those classes. Knowing better is depressing. Knowing that I am not the peak , but the bottom of the hill it feels wrong. Ashin Sopaka , a budhist monk , told me the other day that you should never quit you trial to conquer mount everest. But mount Everest seems to be growing and I seem to never achieve any check point in its climbing. Should I give up ? What if I can't? What if I am so into this I just can't give up right now? What if I know that the thing , that prize which is taken, is up there? I want it , I yearn to have it and still know I can't achieve it in some ways but I possibly can in others .
I need to find myself. And I can only find myself in unimportant , irrelevant actions which bring me closer to some check point on Everest , but the check point seems to be far away.
And the prize , oh the prize . It's helping me. The prize is helping me to reach it. It's an electric bound and sometimes when I look up and I can distinguish it and i can almost feel its gaze upon me , I feel as if I am shattered into 1000 pieces and then reborn . But still , the prize does not know it's going up , it's just something like the lottery , week after week growing and growing. Growing and slipping away.
I feel the need to escape all this , to leave it all behind and rediscover myself. Forget about the prize , the world, to reinvent myself. But still , I permanently have its sight in my view and I can't forget it. It's constantly fresh and constantly renewing.
it's firstly blank , then surprised , then electric , then constant. Neverevending.
But you know , I'm being stereotypical right now , but
it's just so typically me , that i shouldn't have a doubt that it's gonna go , gonna vanish into thin air.
But still , there's that what if. Wondering what it would have been like or even how it would be like. And I'm curious if just reaching the prize for one day would satisfy me. And would the prize be satisfied with its new , one-day owner?
So many questions. But , hell , we're only human , there's no time to answer it.
At least it keeps my head busy from all sorts of other crap.
Uh, I'm being messy about writing again but so what? It's already some sort of personal diary right here so there's no need in hiding.
and uh , i need some coffee , or some tea or something.
Good night ,
Iulia
marți, 24 februarie 2009
Droguri si alte lumi.
Am regasit analogia mea cu iubirea si drogurile intamplator , intr-o carte pe care o citesc acum. Am sa ma feresc sa ofer detalii despre carte pentru ca o sa ma credeti nebuna obsedata ceea ce
probabil ca sunt dar nu vreau sa recunosc. Din cauza cartii care contine oaresce povesti si elemente fantastice , m-am intrebat cum e mai frumoasa lumea noastra , asa simpla , fara magie si fara farmec , sau ar fi mai bine sa avem creaturi mitice inconjurandu-ne intr-un mod cel putin periculos la fiecare pas pe care il facem?
As vrea sa traiesc intr-o lume cu Sf. Duminica daca e sa o luam cu inceputul inceputurilor , intr-o lume ca cele din povesti. Ma gandeam , in mod realist , zic eu , la J.K.R si Harry Potter . Femeia aia ori a avut o viziune puternica , ori a fost frustrata ca si mine de absenta magiei , ori si-a dat seama ce strategie de marketing perfecta ar fi : sa le oferi oamenilor o lume pe care nu o pot avea decat prin intermediul cartilor. Tin minte din anii trecuti ca eram oarecum socata de parintii colegelor mele care citeau Harry Potter [ probabil pentru ca ai mei abia citesc ziarele pe care le cumpara pentru cartile mele de la Adevarul ] , dar acum am inteles ca si ei cautau aceeasi lume fantastica in care noi , cei mai mici , tot ne mai puneam sperante ca ar exista. Ar fi extraordinar , ar fi superb , ar fi grozav sa putem sa traim in astfel de lumi , poate si de asta ne plac atat de tare filmele si cartile cu ceea ce nu putem avea. Este si asta o explicatie posibila pentru succesul Harry Potter , Dracula [ de Bram Stoker ] , Superman , Spiderman si alti eroi de astia gen Hulk&co , recentul Twilight si lista poate continua , binenteles.
Eu asta vreau. Vreau sa ma transform . Vreau sa am niste capacitati din astea care s-au mai pomenit pe la noi [ gen clarviziuni & co ] , dar in care niciodata nu am crezut , probabil pentru
ca nu au fost la comanda mea. Vreau sa ma opresc din speranta ca undeva , exista creaturi mitice si chestii de genul asta , dar nu pot. Pur si simplu.
Ma socheaza gandul ca sunt atat de patrunsa in cartile astea incat o sa fie o atat de brusca revenire la realitate, asa cum e mereu cand ma opresc din citit. Am senzatia aia pe care o aveam cand aveam vreo... habar nu am , cand citeam harry potter si mi-era frica de momentul ultimului rand din ultima carte. Dar am supravietuit. Acum e altfel , e un alt fel de carte , e un alt fel de noutate , e altceva. Ma doare capul si privesc in jurul meu fara sa vad si totul cred ca se trage dintr-o oarecare abstinenta si frustrare , nu am de gand sa neg chestii de genul asta , intrucat am remarcat ca persoanele care au pe cineva au mai putine sanse sa fie atat de grav mental afectate ca mine.
nu mai pot sa rezist scriind fara sa citesc , asa ca ma retrag in lumea mea.
Juju
probabil ca sunt dar nu vreau sa recunosc. Din cauza cartii care contine oaresce povesti si elemente fantastice , m-am intrebat cum e mai frumoasa lumea noastra , asa simpla , fara magie si fara farmec , sau ar fi mai bine sa avem creaturi mitice inconjurandu-ne intr-un mod cel putin periculos la fiecare pas pe care il facem?
As vrea sa traiesc intr-o lume cu Sf. Duminica daca e sa o luam cu inceputul inceputurilor , intr-o lume ca cele din povesti. Ma gandeam , in mod realist , zic eu , la J.K.R si Harry Potter . Femeia aia ori a avut o viziune puternica , ori a fost frustrata ca si mine de absenta magiei , ori si-a dat seama ce strategie de marketing perfecta ar fi : sa le oferi oamenilor o lume pe care nu o pot avea decat prin intermediul cartilor. Tin minte din anii trecuti ca eram oarecum socata de parintii colegelor mele care citeau Harry Potter [ probabil pentru ca ai mei abia citesc ziarele pe care le cumpara pentru cartile mele de la Adevarul ] , dar acum am inteles ca si ei cautau aceeasi lume fantastica in care noi , cei mai mici , tot ne mai puneam sperante ca ar exista. Ar fi extraordinar , ar fi superb , ar fi grozav sa putem sa traim in astfel de lumi , poate si de asta ne plac atat de tare filmele si cartile cu ceea ce nu putem avea. Este si asta o explicatie posibila pentru succesul Harry Potter , Dracula [ de Bram Stoker ] , Superman , Spiderman si alti eroi de astia gen Hulk&co , recentul Twilight si lista poate continua , binenteles.
Eu asta vreau. Vreau sa ma transform . Vreau sa am niste capacitati din astea care s-au mai pomenit pe la noi [ gen clarviziuni & co ] , dar in care niciodata nu am crezut , probabil pentru
ca nu au fost la comanda mea. Vreau sa ma opresc din speranta ca undeva , exista creaturi mitice si chestii de genul asta , dar nu pot. Pur si simplu.
Ma socheaza gandul ca sunt atat de patrunsa in cartile astea incat o sa fie o atat de brusca revenire la realitate, asa cum e mereu cand ma opresc din citit. Am senzatia aia pe care o aveam cand aveam vreo... habar nu am , cand citeam harry potter si mi-era frica de momentul ultimului rand din ultima carte. Dar am supravietuit. Acum e altfel , e un alt fel de carte , e un alt fel de noutate , e altceva. Ma doare capul si privesc in jurul meu fara sa vad si totul cred ca se trage dintr-o oarecare abstinenta si frustrare , nu am de gand sa neg chestii de genul asta , intrucat am remarcat ca persoanele care au pe cineva au mai putine sanse sa fie atat de grav mental afectate ca mine.
nu mai pot sa rezist scriind fara sa citesc , asa ca ma retrag in lumea mea.
Juju
sâmbătă, 20 decembrie 2008
Magia Craciunului
E incredibil ce poate sa faca o sarbatoare asa de faina
cum e Craciunul pentru oameni. Personal , sunt cu gura
pana la urechi de aseara , dar zambesc incontinuu de vreo
3 zile.
De ce sunt cu gura pana la urechi? Pai , daca pana si tata
a fost cuprins oarecum de spiritul sarabtorilor si s-a apucat
sa-mi faca mie!!! farse la telefon si sa rada apoi cu pofta ( rar
face asta ) , e clar ca se intampla ceva.
E ceva in aer , pluteste si ne invaluie. Mamei ii mirosea
aseara a sarmale in casa , desi inca nu am gatit nimic, tata se
joaca cu pisoiul mai mult ca oricand si ii surprind zambete pe
sub mustata tot timpul , pisoiul e mai dragastos ca oricand ,
bebe si paun sunt mai ...:X ca niciodata , pisi e mai confuza ca
oricand , eu fiind cea mai vesela ca pot sa-i observ pe toti.
Azi , facand curat cu mama , ascultam colinde de Craciun , ca
sa-i fac ei un moft si , ori pentru ca am eu dispozitia necesara
si nu mai sunt asa posaca , ori pentru ca are mama dispozitia
necesara , trancanim cum nu am mai trancanit de multe despre
tot felul de tampenii ;;).
Toata lumea pare vesela , mai buna , mai dispusa sa cedeze
la rigiditatile de zi cu zi. Orgolii sunt calcate , muuulte daruri
sunt schimbate , multe bucurii , viata si culoare.
Imi place. Am eu un feeling din asta foarte fain asa , cum nu
am avut decat in secunda 1 cand am facut 16 ani :D . E lumea
plina de poveste , e ceva magic care ne trezeste dimineata mai
voiosi ( adica nu-mi mai injur pisica in fiecare dimineata :D ).
Sunt in permanenta ametita. Adica eram cand am inceput
acest post. Acum s-a mai ameliorat ( am ochelari din nou :D ),
dar inca mai traiesc pe baza de aer. Mananc mai nimic , datorita
unui obicei nesanatos pe care l-am tot hranit de cand m am intors
din Cehia , de a manca aer , presupun ca si de asta ametesc.
Dar , in orice caz , ametesc de fericire , e prea placuta atmosfera
asta si sper doar sa nu fie calmul de dinaintea furtunii...
Urez tuturor un Craciun fericit! Si va doresc tot ce-i mai bun ,
sa fiti si voi macar la fel de euforici ca mine...
Myriam ;)
cum e Craciunul pentru oameni. Personal , sunt cu gura
pana la urechi de aseara , dar zambesc incontinuu de vreo
3 zile.
De ce sunt cu gura pana la urechi? Pai , daca pana si tata
a fost cuprins oarecum de spiritul sarabtorilor si s-a apucat
sa-mi faca mie!!! farse la telefon si sa rada apoi cu pofta ( rar
face asta ) , e clar ca se intampla ceva.
E ceva in aer , pluteste si ne invaluie. Mamei ii mirosea
aseara a sarmale in casa , desi inca nu am gatit nimic, tata se
joaca cu pisoiul mai mult ca oricand si ii surprind zambete pe
sub mustata tot timpul , pisoiul e mai dragastos ca oricand ,
bebe si paun sunt mai ...:X ca niciodata , pisi e mai confuza ca
oricand , eu fiind cea mai vesela ca pot sa-i observ pe toti.
Azi , facand curat cu mama , ascultam colinde de Craciun , ca
sa-i fac ei un moft si , ori pentru ca am eu dispozitia necesara
si nu mai sunt asa posaca , ori pentru ca are mama dispozitia
necesara , trancanim cum nu am mai trancanit de multe despre
tot felul de tampenii ;;).
Toata lumea pare vesela , mai buna , mai dispusa sa cedeze
la rigiditatile de zi cu zi. Orgolii sunt calcate , muuulte daruri
sunt schimbate , multe bucurii , viata si culoare.
Imi place. Am eu un feeling din asta foarte fain asa , cum nu
am avut decat in secunda 1 cand am facut 16 ani :D . E lumea
plina de poveste , e ceva magic care ne trezeste dimineata mai
voiosi ( adica nu-mi mai injur pisica in fiecare dimineata :D ).
Sunt in permanenta ametita. Adica eram cand am inceput
acest post. Acum s-a mai ameliorat ( am ochelari din nou :D ),
dar inca mai traiesc pe baza de aer. Mananc mai nimic , datorita
unui obicei nesanatos pe care l-am tot hranit de cand m am intors
din Cehia , de a manca aer , presupun ca si de asta ametesc.
Dar , in orice caz , ametesc de fericire , e prea placuta atmosfera
asta si sper doar sa nu fie calmul de dinaintea furtunii...
Urez tuturor un Craciun fericit! Si va doresc tot ce-i mai bun ,
sa fiti si voi macar la fel de euforici ca mine...
Myriam ;)
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