Losing control.

It's unbelievable and it feels all over my skin.
It's almost like a touch. Like an image on a VCR that you keep playing over and over again and again . Just that it's a feeling. A look . There are so many memories , so many things we shared with others , so many things we would love to repeat , just that it's not possible in real world , but there are so many things that you can do inside your mind that it becomes painful, playing that VCR over and over again. It would be better to let it go , but when you discover that thing that suits your needs and you are perfectly conscious that it cannot be yours just because it's only one and it's already taken , you cannot act rationally.
And it's even harder to be aware of it. I mean , if I were sort of insane , not realising in which kind of shit I am getting in , it would be teoretically Ok. But , as I am not sort of insane , or at least that's what I like to think , I am realising perfectly what kind of shit I am getting in , iI am totally aware of what a big mistake I am doing. And still , I am not stopping , thing which is probably due to some kind of insanity in an incipient phase.
So repeating the VCR , being aware of it being wrong it's all upside down and I just can't help it.
I felt some sort of change in myself long ago and I have to be grateful for it to some people but I can't get to the point to understand the perception of others of my own change.Well , it's nice , I was surprised myself how fine it is to be popular and quite famous and knowing people that others would die to know , doing things for which others consider you special , but it's not enough. Never enough.
I am never satisfied. I am also aware that I am an exception for my generation , at least in my highschool , but still I am not ... what I want from myself. Being part of the stream is wrong but being against is also wrong. I feel I have no connection with school , there is no bond , I see no point in attending all those classes. Knowing better is depressing. Knowing that I am not the peak , but the bottom of the hill it feels wrong. Ashin Sopaka , a budhist monk , told me the other day that you should never quit you trial to conquer mount everest. But mount Everest seems to be growing and I seem to never achieve any check point in its climbing. Should I give up ? What if I can't? What if I am so into this I just can't give up right now? What if I know that the thing , that prize which is taken, is up there? I want it , I yearn to have it and still know I can't achieve it in some ways but I possibly can in others .
I need to find myself. And I can only find myself in unimportant , irrelevant actions which bring me closer to some check point on Everest , but the check point seems to be far away.
And the prize , oh the prize . It's helping me. The prize is helping me to reach it. It's an electric bound and sometimes when I look up and I can distinguish it and i can almost feel its gaze upon me , I feel as if I am shattered into 1000 pieces and then reborn . But still , the prize does not know it's going up , it's just something like the lottery , week after week growing and growing. Growing and slipping away.
I feel the need to escape all this , to leave it all behind and rediscover myself. Forget about the prize , the world, to reinvent myself. But still , I permanently have its sight in my view and I can't forget it. It's constantly fresh and constantly renewing.
it's firstly blank , then surprised , then electric , then constant. Neverevending.

But you know , I'm being stereotypical right now , but
it's just so typically me , that i shouldn't have a doubt that it's gonna go , gonna vanish into thin air.
But still , there's that what if. Wondering what it would have been like or even how it would be like. And I'm curious if just reaching the prize for one day would satisfy me. And would the prize be satisfied with its new , one-day owner?
So many questions. But , hell , we're only human , there's no time to answer it.
At least it keeps my head busy from all sorts of other crap.
Uh, I'm being messy about writing again but so what? It's already some sort of personal diary right here so there's no need in hiding.

and uh , i need some coffee , or some tea or something.

Good night ,

Iulia

lauda de sine

eu chiar mi am numit rubrica in care apar postarile
scrieri interesante si alte genialitati? chiar am facut
asta ? Pe bune ? Oh , shit.

Aceasta postare este ca sa ma laud. Eu si inca vreo 15
oameni sutnem absolventi de cursuri marca LMT , cu
amprenta personala a lui Paul Olteanu :)).

Pai si ce am invatat eu? Sa am muuuuulta incredere
in mine , nimic din tot ceea ce spui nu e gresit , nu
exista pareri bune si pareri gresite ci doar pareri.
Ca e bine sa ai obiective si ca nu trebuie sa ti dai singur
in cap atunci cand nu reusesti sa le indeplinesti.

si evident , cel mai important , e ca e biiine sa ai
un motiv pentru care sa iesi duminica din casa
[ nu mi vine sa cred ca iar o sa fiu sechestrata,
desi cred ca mama ar vrea sa mi gasesc asa, rapid
un prieten ca sa nu mai stau in casa duminica ,
spre deosebire de tata care considera ca iesitul
in oras pe bune , care se intampla o data pe luna
in cele mai bune cazuri este fooooarte des]

Dar revenind la lmt , ah ce fain a fost:D
Mai vreau , mai vreau!

am mai invatat ca:
e bine sa porti chiloti
e ok sa te gandesti cum ar fi la inmormantarea
ta[ eventual cum te plang ceilalti :)) ]
e foooarte ok sa folosesti prezervativul


Ah , da si am mai sesizat o chestie.Daca ai un
aparat nikon cu reglare manuala toata lumea
cand o sa invete sa l foloseasca o sa zica mai
intai ca l mangaie , apoi o sa realizeze ca poza
e de fapt orgasmul aparatului . Va recomand
sa cumparati o camera nikon daca vreti sa
auziti o gama larga de persoane gemand.

Multumesc LMT:))

Iulia.

De ziua mea

 Desi nici nu mi-am dat seama ca e ziua mea pana
nu am primit un mesaj , desi stiam ca azi urma sa
fie Sf. Iuliana , cu toate astea am reusit sa zicem
sa o serbez , desi neintentionat.
 Dupa o absenta de aproximativ un an de pe ringul
patinatorilor am reusit sa revin in lumina reflectoarelor.
 Evident , ca o vedeta ce sunt , am fost recunoscuta
de toti fanii mei , care m-au intrebat pe toata durata
seriei daca invat in Caragiale. Ajungand acasa am realizat
ca principalul meu fan era chiar Sebi! febletea colegelor
mele de grupa la engleza . Da fetelor , am fost cu Sebi
la patinoar, stiu sunt groaznica , ma urati , dar da , si
eu va iubesc :). Ziceti mersi ca nu am fost cu Fabio :)).
 Am avut un noroc fantastic. Gheata a fost facuta la
timp , patinele au mers bine , au fost reflectoarele aprinse
inca din primele minute , nu am cazut , compania a fost
foarte placuta , totul a fost mai mult decat ok.
 Apoi ajungand acasa , am avut ocazia sa ma delectez
cu un film foarte dragut , asa ca desert dupa felul principal.
  Sarbatorile se anunta foarte dragute anul asta , sau
cel putin vacanta. Desi am multa treaba acasa , gasesc timp
si pentru alte chestii , cum ar fi mersul cu colindul la profi,
sau mersul in oras cu bebe ca sa-i cumpere ceva lui alex
de craciun :). [ Fac progrese ;)) ] . Poate merge si pisi cu
noi sa cumpere si ea o carte pentru soferi incepatori ;). Eu
o sa ma multumesc cu privitul desi incep sa am tot mai multe
remuscari ca nu le-am luat nimic alor mei. Adica le-am luat
cate ceva de prin Cehia , cel putin mamei , dar imi place
prea tare sa fac shopping , adica shopping de craciun. E singura
perioada in care chiar imi place sa ma amestec in aglomeratie.
  Azi e ziua mea , pentru a 3 a oara anul acesta. ;)). Da , stiu
ce de zile! Dar , spre deosebire de celelalte zile , azi am inceput
inca de cand m-am trezit sa ma gandesc la tot ce am realizat
anul acesta , la oamenii din viata mea , la cei ce nu mai sunt si
mi-as dori sa mai fie , la toti cei care ar trebui sa fie langa mine
si nu sunt si din fericire la cei al caror loc e langa mine si sunt
langa mine.
  Si iata si cadoul cel mai important de ziua mea care a aparut
fix acum cand scriu acest post : apartament mobilat dar nelocuit
cu sistem home-cinema , de inchiriat pentru revelion. Deci ,
in sfarsit scap de incertitudine. O sa incep anul nou cu o super
petrecere si cu noi prieteni.
  Astfel , ziua de azi devine fantastica , m-am simtit grozav
inca din prima clipa in care m-am trezit pana acum , cand probabil
o sa ma duc la culcare pentru ca sunt destul de obosita, patinele
nu-s lucru usor :).
  In ceea ce priveste vremea de afara , premonitiile mele nu
sunt asa de puternice , dar speranta ramane. Speranta ca va fi
totul asa cum trebuie , adica va ninge de Craciun.
Ca o sa ma simt bine de rev si ca in sfarsit tot ce imi doresc
capata un sens si o culoare e deja o certitudine.
 

O noapte buna va urez tuturor ,
Mai ales fanilor mei ;)

Iulia