Losing control.

It's unbelievable and it feels all over my skin.
It's almost like a touch. Like an image on a VCR that you keep playing over and over again and again . Just that it's a feeling. A look . There are so many memories , so many things we shared with others , so many things we would love to repeat , just that it's not possible in real world , but there are so many things that you can do inside your mind that it becomes painful, playing that VCR over and over again. It would be better to let it go , but when you discover that thing that suits your needs and you are perfectly conscious that it cannot be yours just because it's only one and it's already taken , you cannot act rationally.
And it's even harder to be aware of it. I mean , if I were sort of insane , not realising in which kind of shit I am getting in , it would be teoretically Ok. But , as I am not sort of insane , or at least that's what I like to think , I am realising perfectly what kind of shit I am getting in , iI am totally aware of what a big mistake I am doing. And still , I am not stopping , thing which is probably due to some kind of insanity in an incipient phase.
So repeating the VCR , being aware of it being wrong it's all upside down and I just can't help it.
I felt some sort of change in myself long ago and I have to be grateful for it to some people but I can't get to the point to understand the perception of others of my own change.Well , it's nice , I was surprised myself how fine it is to be popular and quite famous and knowing people that others would die to know , doing things for which others consider you special , but it's not enough. Never enough.
I am never satisfied. I am also aware that I am an exception for my generation , at least in my highschool , but still I am not ... what I want from myself. Being part of the stream is wrong but being against is also wrong. I feel I have no connection with school , there is no bond , I see no point in attending all those classes. Knowing better is depressing. Knowing that I am not the peak , but the bottom of the hill it feels wrong. Ashin Sopaka , a budhist monk , told me the other day that you should never quit you trial to conquer mount everest. But mount Everest seems to be growing and I seem to never achieve any check point in its climbing. Should I give up ? What if I can't? What if I am so into this I just can't give up right now? What if I know that the thing , that prize which is taken, is up there? I want it , I yearn to have it and still know I can't achieve it in some ways but I possibly can in others .
I need to find myself. And I can only find myself in unimportant , irrelevant actions which bring me closer to some check point on Everest , but the check point seems to be far away.
And the prize , oh the prize . It's helping me. The prize is helping me to reach it. It's an electric bound and sometimes when I look up and I can distinguish it and i can almost feel its gaze upon me , I feel as if I am shattered into 1000 pieces and then reborn . But still , the prize does not know it's going up , it's just something like the lottery , week after week growing and growing. Growing and slipping away.
I feel the need to escape all this , to leave it all behind and rediscover myself. Forget about the prize , the world, to reinvent myself. But still , I permanently have its sight in my view and I can't forget it. It's constantly fresh and constantly renewing.
it's firstly blank , then surprised , then electric , then constant. Neverevending.

But you know , I'm being stereotypical right now , but
it's just so typically me , that i shouldn't have a doubt that it's gonna go , gonna vanish into thin air.
But still , there's that what if. Wondering what it would have been like or even how it would be like. And I'm curious if just reaching the prize for one day would satisfy me. And would the prize be satisfied with its new , one-day owner?
So many questions. But , hell , we're only human , there's no time to answer it.
At least it keeps my head busy from all sorts of other crap.
Uh, I'm being messy about writing again but so what? It's already some sort of personal diary right here so there's no need in hiding.

and uh , i need some coffee , or some tea or something.

Good night ,

Iulia

bucuresti.

bucuresti. bucuresti . bucuresti.
Mi se pare genial orasul asta , asa aglomerat cum e. mi se pare ca e incredibil ca la cat de mare e te poti intalni din greseala cu oameni pe care nu i ai mai vazut de foarte mult timp. mi se pare genial ca sunt atatea evenimente la care poti participa , atatea chestii de facut , tot timpul e ceva.

Sunt foarte fericita . Ma simt asa de fiecare data cand ma duc la bucuresti.cu atat mai mult cand plec singura , petrec si o noapte acolo si reusesc sa si revad prieteni pe care nu i am mai vazut de mult. Mi se pare genial , chiar vorbind cu un prieten despre bucuresti , am sesizat , ca asa mare cum e , imens , aglomerat , ai cele mai mari sanse sa te intalnesti cu cineva decat oriunde altundeva. Asta mi aduce aminte cum m-am intalnit la mare cu o prietena , fara sa stiu ca va fi acolo. Trecem peste.

Carturesti. Doamne. Este unul din locurile de pe aceasta planeta unde as putea sa traiesc. am zis eu ceva mai demult ca as putea sa traiesc pe o banca in starometska din praga , pe o banca din gara din budapesta , acum am decretat ca as putea sa traiesc la carturesti. Ah si am decis ca daca as putea sa am ceva pe lumea asta , daca as gasi pestisorul de aur , i-as cere sa mi dea toate cartile din lume si inca ceva , dar nu-mi aduc aminte.:D E pentru prima oara cand ma abtin de la cumparatul unei carti si regret , dar o sa merg acolo intentionat , doar pentru a gasi ceva . E genial , pur si simplu genial.

ma atrage orasul , mai ales centrul vechi , totul este superb. Desi am dormit undeva in giulesti , langa calea ferata , tot sunt fascinata de oras. Gara de nord iti da un chef din asta urias de a pleca cu trenul undeva departe. Magheru e ... foarte interesant mai ales pentru cei interesati de sex shopuri. Magheru e organizat astfel:
Sex shop
mc donald's
kfc
sex shop
carturesti
mihai albu
sex shop
chanel/louis vuitton/ceva de genu
sex shop.
Nu inteleg organizarea asta , dar probabil ca are ea un rost. oamenii probabil au nevoie.Ma depaseste.
Centrul ceh e foarte dragut , one world ul de anul asta are niste filme extraordinare , din care eu nu am vazut si nu cred ca o sa am ocazia sa vad prea multe.
TNB si futu-i scurtii , aka future shorts , e un vis implinit. A fost foarte tare , desi m-am intors imbibata in fum acasa ,sunt asa poleita , trasa in fum de tigara si cu vederea cam slaba si auzul cam la fel de slab dupa sesiunea de filme romanesti facute la unatc in 70-80.

Va sugerez sa va abonati la futureshorts pe youtube. au niste filmulete comice si in acelasi timp geniale.

Eu am avut o zi si o noaptea magnifica , glorioasa , dar voi?
Plec pe traseul budapesta - katowice-viena saptamana viitoare si abia astept.
Ma incarc cu energie pozitiva.


E primavara , e frumos, e viata.

Ma gandesc.1.01.

E pur si simplu 1 si un minut.
Iar eu ma gandesc.
Ma gandesc la toate pozele in care arati oribil , dar care tie iti plac. Ma gandesc la toate pozele in care esti pur si simplu un semizeu dar nu iti dai seama.
Ma gandesc la toate fetele care mor dupa tine , asa cum am fost si eu , inocenta , plina de speranta si apoi ma gandesc la tine , cum am ajuns sa te cunosc , cum am ajuns sa nu stiu nimic despre tine si totodata totul. Ma gandesc la timiditatea ta pe care incerci sa o invingi fara sa reusesti.
Ma gandesc la stangacia cu care ne salutam mereu pentru ca nu stim cum sa ne comportam unul cu celalalt pentru ca nu stim ce se intampla de fapt.
Ma gandesc la faptul ca poate ar trebui sa am eu curaj , dar n-ar fi prima oara , n-ai fi tu primul si n-ar fi primul meu esec.
Ma gandesc la toate privirile pe care le arunc pe geam in speranta ca te voi zari , ca voi descifra ceva , dar e nimic , caci nu apari , iar daca apari esti la fel de indescifrabil.
Ma gandesc la toate privirile pe care stiu ca le arunci atunci cand nu ma uit eu. Ma gandesc la motivele tale.
Ma gandesc la faptul ca nu e tocmai un inceput si totusi ar fi fost mai bine sa fie un inceput. Ma gandesc daca numarul 3 are intr-adevar o simbolistica si in viata reala.
Ma gandesc ca de data asta nu mai e la fel. Ma gandesc la faptul ca nu mai cred in tine , nu te mai vreau , nu vreau decat sa te fac sa suferi , dar totusi te vreau pentru mine.
Ma gandesc la ce vreau de fapt. Sa iti ofer pe o tava aurita exact ce mi-ai dat si tu mie: sperante si iluzii desarte , sfaramate ? Sau sa te iert? Sau sa uit pur si simplu?
Ma gandesc la ce vrei tu de fapt. Vrei sa ma amagesti din nou? Am sarit peste stadii deja. Nu mai cred , nu ezit sa nu cred , doar ca exista speranta ca o sa ma surprinzi. Numai ca deja vine ora la care e prea tarziu , tu inca eziti , iar eu inca astept sa ma surprinzi desi stiu ca e in zadar.
Ma gandesc la faptul ca nu am mentionat nici unul nimic despre ce s-a intamplat de fapt. Poate ca nici unul nu vrea sa recunoasca , dar poate ca ar trebui sa te disculpi si sa nu lasi lucrurile sa para banale , pentru ca oricat de banale ar fi , oricum sunt complicate si accidentele nu isi au rostul aici , intre noi.

Ma gandesc ca e tarziu , ca e noapte si ca eu astept lumina zorilor. Dar soarele rasare la ora 7 pentru mine si e de-abia 1.01. Si daca ar fi 1.02 timpul ar sari apoi mai repede pana la 1.14 , apoi 2.53 si s-ar face 7. Si atunci , mi-as da ultima suflare cu implinirea ca lumina zorilor m-a atins .

Ma gandesc ca poate si pentru tine e noapte. Dar poate ca tu mai ai de asteptat. Poate ca tu nu astepti lumina zorilor. Poate ca tu nu vrei sa sari de la 1.01. Poate tu astepti amurgul ca sa traiesti. Poate ca atunci cand eu dispar , tu incepi sa existi.

Poate ca nu e menit sa fie . Dar daca.... Si cum aflam? Cum aflam?Cum aflam?
We have to let it out. Let it out , get rid of the hell inside.

Poate ca ar trebui sa tipam. Sa ne eliberam.

Dar poate ca e doar 1.01 si timpul sta in loc in asteptarea zorilor sau a amurgului.

Iulia

Rootless tree

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out,
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out

Damien Rice.

When you simply don't know.
When you simply can't feel.
When you simply don't know what to do .
When you're barely awake but you can feel your heart beating.
When you don't know nothing about your feelings and pretend to know
it all.
When you ask shyness to learn you all about courage.
When you are laced in doubts and you wish you weren't.

When you just regret you aren't able to be the superhero she needs.
When you just know you're just too late.
When you wish it weren't so.

When you decide to do something.
Turn to Damien Rice.
Ask him to do your work.


Night,
Julia

Fara timp si fara chef.

timpul nu mai are nici o valoare.
Timpul inseamna nimic. Se pare ca fac prea multe in prea putin timp si prea putine in prea mult timp. Am o mie de ganduri , de idei , de initiative si prea putin timp si prea putin sprijin ca sa reusesc sa fac ceva.
E enervant.
As putea sa fac atat de mult. Mi se pare ca traiesc intr-o permanenta vacanta obositoare care nu ma ajuta la absolut nimic. Mereu dupa week enduri imi vine sa intreb pe cineva cum a fost in vacanta , dar imi dau seama ca decat eu nu fac mai nimic in week end. Ca restul lumii face macar o tema , macar ceva.
Eu. Eu citesc. Prea mult. Prea tot. Nu conteaza la ce ora ma culc [ de obicei la 3-4 si ma trezesc obligatoriu la 8 in zilele saptamanii. ] . Devorez. Recent am citit Eliade , Shakespeare , o serie foarte celebra zilele astea - Twilight- evident , some Garcia Marquez , a little bit of Lawrence si cate o poezie mai faina , pe care o recitesc din cand in cand , pur si simplu.
Si acum realizez ca de fapt , timpul nu-mi permite sa stau si sa scriu pe blog.

O noapte buna,
Si spor in lupta cu timpul
Va urez

Iulia