Life& love

Somebody told me one day that i was going to find my prince
someday but he was not the one.
Everyday i believe more and more that there is no such thing
as my prince charming riding the white horse. I keep waiting
for the right one to appear but he just keeps saying no to my
wishes , because i refuse to beg.
I've fallen out for a guy and i don't know if what i feel is real.
Of course , he doesn't know and if he would even read this
he would say that definetly he isn't that " one" that i am talking
about.
I haven't ever fallen in such a deep way for someone. Or maybe
just once , but let's say it was because i had known that person
for many years. Now , i know nothing about him , he's a mistery,
he gives me hopes , he takes them , i felt betrayed by him some
time ago and now , when history repeats i'm in the same situation.
  If he would make me feel like the most stupid person on earth right
now , next time i would do exactly the same , i mean leting him
know exactly what i feel for him.
   I feel so old. It makes me feel old. Love makes me feel old. I'm done
with considering all the possible options , I'm done with interpreting all
his gestures, I'm done with everything.
   But who is going to believe me? I don't even believe me. Why would
you? Why would he?
   I'm dumb. I don't even learn although i have great plans and some
people have great expectations. tomorow i have test papers in physics
and TIC. So what? I don't even bother. I'm too old for anything.
   And you know what's funny? I'm one of the most open-minded and
natural people in my class , but when it comes to him i'm the funniest
and dumbest person ever. I pretend not to see him , i refuse to talk
to him , i do the worst things ever.
   What is there left to say? I feel stupid , in love with  the dumbest boy,
i feel old , i feel tired and i really am what i feel.

I am what i do and what i do is who i am.

I feel tired.

 I feel so damn tired. where are those sunny days when
all i had to do is lie down with a glass of still water and lemon
or with a cup of coffee and look at the sky?
 And i don't know if i am tired phisically. I think it's this
feeling that i have been having for a while , that school
isn't what i want to do. Or at least , here , in romania.
  I've been yearning for the BR meeting since school begun.
And here I am , 2 days before leaving. It's a really nice
feeling , knowing that I am going to meet again all those
peoplethat i fell in love with . I really miss them.
  and the best part is that on saturday night we're havin
a party \:d/. and what i know for sure is that i am
going to be there , that the so-called " soul of the party" paul
is going to be there , that 2 special persons that i am
getting more and more attached to are going to be there,
and now that i think about it more i realise that many
of the people i care about are going to be there. And we're
going to have a great time. I know it for sure. 
  But i still feel tired. Because i am tired of proving who
i really am to people who don't even deserve a look from
me. I deserve more but i have to work for it more and more.
And what i want needs so much time that i'd have to
give up things that i have to do but i don't want to.
  I want to give up. But i still have fiath and ambition and
i am a continous source of creativity and that's why i won't
give up. I have people who believe in me , people who
love me for who i am and who know that i am made of a
a very hard steel that won't torn into pieces at the first
pale of wind.
   I am proud of my first weekend in bucharest. :) It's
going to be magical , sprinkled with lots of pixie-dust
and wonderful people . Add some feelings of friendship,
some memories , some stress , and you'll get the mood.
  It's going to be stresfull ( very early wake up , train
to bucharest , sessions until about 6 in the evening ,
lovely parties and games:X:X:X until i don't know what
hour , wake up early in the morning , bussines planning
session , train back to ploiesti , i might get home or i might
not , because i have LMT classes in the afternoon with one
of the people i just left :) , so it's gonna be stressfull ).
   and that reminds me about how tired i am and how
much i want my own time and a holiday.
   i am going to sleep.
  Good night :)

Iulia

well.

Well it's hard . I want to do a lot of things but i have no
support. It's annoying. Really.
 most of them are parties but does it really matter? :-"
 I want to get involved into some interesting projects,
but it's quite hard when you have parents who dissaprove
of staying late , spending nights in bucharest or being alone when
leaving by train.
  It's quite hard not to have independence although you are
only 16. But I can't say i'm not trying. I really am. I'm really
getting a small piece of it , but sooner or later i'll have it.
  My biggest problem is that i don't have parents to say , go
there and do your job. It's something like : well , what are
you going to do there? is it necessary? does it help? Will
it be useful for your future? Are you sure? who are you
going to see there? do you know them? do you know anyone?
 Quite hard , right?
  Well at least they trust lmt , and ...ummm....lmt?
  They know all the people i know. It's something like : i'm
meeting the Br guys on saturday . Really? yeap. Are you
going with that nice girl you've been with in the czezh republic?
Is the girl from oricum coming too? are you going to see the guy
that you are having that lmt training too? is the guy that i saw
on teo , that marian , coming too?
 It's exhausting , believe me.
 And my form teacher.... oh god. if i understood what he means
whenever he is talking i wouldn't share my frustrated thoughts
on the internet , blogging.
  He doesn't understand english. He doesn't understand romanian
either even though he teaches it.  he has the most comunist
conceptions about the world and he is ambitious in stupid
issues. He is stubborn just like a mule.

pf. I'm going to sleep.
see you tomorrow probably with new things that i hate.

Bye bye.

Iulia

about the world

 i feel a change in the world. I feel this world is changing
constantly and not necesarily in good. I see more and more
children becoming " emo" or even worse " manelari" , and
i'm shocked. am i into the last generation which is able to
resist temptation and keep the " oldies but goodies"?
 People have hopes from us. they hope we'll change the
world while we are listening to florin salam and romeo
fantastik. If paula seling is singing " manele" what's next?
A duo between celine dion and guta? Or a live concert
with rod stewart and denisa from i don't know what city?
   I'm dissapointed. I thought we were different. I thought
we could change the world , but we just can't. We are not
that many to be able to change a world of people who yell
and come to simphonic concerts just because they are
obliged to , people that don't read just because it's not
fashionable.
  We seem to taste only things that are fashionable. Fancy
cars , voluptuous naked girls-singers , rich men , footballers,
anything we see on tv , whose quality is getting worse each day.
  what is happening?
  i don't have a suitable answer.

Iulia.

I'll be back

Parca asa am zis nu? Well , I'm back.
M-am intors si din creta si din cehia , de peste
tot , a inceput scoala cu mirosul ei caracteristic,
cu caietele umplute din primele saptamani , cu profii
neintelegatori , cu dirigi sclerozati , cu toate cele
pe care le are scoala.
Eu m-am intors oarecum diferita. Am avut o vacanta
de genul - eu n-am mai facut niciodata asta , acum am
facut-o. am facut muuulte , pe care nu prea credeam ca
o sa le fac fara sa regret , care totodata sa mi placa...
Nu va ganditi prea departe totusi. Am facut destule,
dar nu chiar pe toate.
Acum visez cu ochii deschisi la alte taramuri , fara
scoala , cu zapada si cu un anumit om langa mine. Nici
eu nu stiu care.
Mai vorbim de-astea normale mai incolo.


Myriam Lacroche