Losing control.

It's unbelievable and it feels all over my skin.
It's almost like a touch. Like an image on a VCR that you keep playing over and over again and again . Just that it's a feeling. A look . There are so many memories , so many things we shared with others , so many things we would love to repeat , just that it's not possible in real world , but there are so many things that you can do inside your mind that it becomes painful, playing that VCR over and over again. It would be better to let it go , but when you discover that thing that suits your needs and you are perfectly conscious that it cannot be yours just because it's only one and it's already taken , you cannot act rationally.
And it's even harder to be aware of it. I mean , if I were sort of insane , not realising in which kind of shit I am getting in , it would be teoretically Ok. But , as I am not sort of insane , or at least that's what I like to think , I am realising perfectly what kind of shit I am getting in , iI am totally aware of what a big mistake I am doing. And still , I am not stopping , thing which is probably due to some kind of insanity in an incipient phase.
So repeating the VCR , being aware of it being wrong it's all upside down and I just can't help it.
I felt some sort of change in myself long ago and I have to be grateful for it to some people but I can't get to the point to understand the perception of others of my own change.Well , it's nice , I was surprised myself how fine it is to be popular and quite famous and knowing people that others would die to know , doing things for which others consider you special , but it's not enough. Never enough.
I am never satisfied. I am also aware that I am an exception for my generation , at least in my highschool , but still I am not ... what I want from myself. Being part of the stream is wrong but being against is also wrong. I feel I have no connection with school , there is no bond , I see no point in attending all those classes. Knowing better is depressing. Knowing that I am not the peak , but the bottom of the hill it feels wrong. Ashin Sopaka , a budhist monk , told me the other day that you should never quit you trial to conquer mount everest. But mount Everest seems to be growing and I seem to never achieve any check point in its climbing. Should I give up ? What if I can't? What if I am so into this I just can't give up right now? What if I know that the thing , that prize which is taken, is up there? I want it , I yearn to have it and still know I can't achieve it in some ways but I possibly can in others .
I need to find myself. And I can only find myself in unimportant , irrelevant actions which bring me closer to some check point on Everest , but the check point seems to be far away.
And the prize , oh the prize . It's helping me. The prize is helping me to reach it. It's an electric bound and sometimes when I look up and I can distinguish it and i can almost feel its gaze upon me , I feel as if I am shattered into 1000 pieces and then reborn . But still , the prize does not know it's going up , it's just something like the lottery , week after week growing and growing. Growing and slipping away.
I feel the need to escape all this , to leave it all behind and rediscover myself. Forget about the prize , the world, to reinvent myself. But still , I permanently have its sight in my view and I can't forget it. It's constantly fresh and constantly renewing.
it's firstly blank , then surprised , then electric , then constant. Neverevending.

But you know , I'm being stereotypical right now , but
it's just so typically me , that i shouldn't have a doubt that it's gonna go , gonna vanish into thin air.
But still , there's that what if. Wondering what it would have been like or even how it would be like. And I'm curious if just reaching the prize for one day would satisfy me. And would the prize be satisfied with its new , one-day owner?
So many questions. But , hell , we're only human , there's no time to answer it.
At least it keeps my head busy from all sorts of other crap.
Uh, I'm being messy about writing again but so what? It's already some sort of personal diary right here so there's no need in hiding.

and uh , i need some coffee , or some tea or something.

Good night ,

Iulia

supradoza.

 Chiar a inceput scoala acum o saptamana? Chiar am intrat
in acest an de 10 zile? Ma simt de parca ar fi trecut o
vesnicie.Abia astept ziua de maine si intalnirea cu Paul ,
chiar am nevoiede ceva ganduri mai bune dupa zilele
astea petrecute ca un soarece de biblioteca , la propriu ,
citind incontinuu si scriind pentru o amarata de
olimpiada care nu cred ca o sa mi aduca satisfactia
pe care speram sa mi-o aduca [ exista vorbe conform
carora ar fi aranjate locurile la nationala].
  Ma doare capul si nici nu mai stiu ce vreau , stiu ca
trebuie sa depun 1 mie si una de cereri pentru tot
felul de evenimente in strainatate , trebuie sa ma
pun la punct la mate , la fizica , la info , ca sa fiu
sigura ca o sa si iau bacul peste 2 ani:).
 Am sprijin , din fericire , din partea cui trebuie
si asta ma ajuta sa merg mai departe.

Azi mi-am cumparat , ca premiu pentru bataia
de cap, requiem for a dream , cartea. Am facut
bine ca nu m am uitat la film pana acum ,deci.
Mi se pare foarte interesanta ideea de drog,
 ca fiecare avem cate un drog. Mi am dat seama
ca eu am avut puterea sa ma las de anumite
droguri. si sper sa am puterea sa o duc pana
la capat. De exemplu : dependenta de mess ,
la care am renuntat cu usurinta. Dependenta
[ care nu a fost niciodata dependenta , mai mult
o prosteala de-a mea ocazionala ] de tigari .
Dependenta de a auzi numai lucruri bune despre
mine. Dependenta de oameni.

Tot ceea ce ne inconjoara e drog. Si , din cate am
testat eu pe pielea mea , cel mai puternic si mai 
periculos drog e dragostea.  nu ca as avea eu o
mare experienta de viata. Dar stiu ca toate
vorbele din popor sunt adevarate. Dragostea
te orbeste , exact asa cum heroina sau cocaina iti
iau mintile. Nu mai stii care i realitatea , traiesti
in lumea ta , in care existati doar voi doi. Iar apoi ,
cand efectul drogului se termina , te simti gol ,
pustiit si mai vrei , nu vrei sa renunti asa de usor.
Si te reintorcila starea de letargie provocata de el .
Totusi , eu inca mai asociez starea de iubire cu
diverse suferinte provocate de indepartarea
de substanta drogului.  am ramas oarecum blocata .
mi-aduc aminte de prima , sa-i zicem , prima dragoste.
mi-aduc aminte de primul sarut. Daca am trait
vreodata ceva apropiat de starea de drogat , atunci
aceea e starea. mi-aduc aminte cat de ametita si cata
lipsa de concentrare si cat el exista in mine atunci. Cat
din parfumul lui , cata nebunie si tinerete si necunoscut.
Cata dorinta de a pastra ramasitele momentului ,
amintirea , cata pasiune de a reveni , ca o noua injectie
care poate fi fatala , cata nevoie de o supradoza.
Da , iubirea e exact ca un drog. Sau , cel putin ,
sentimentele puternice ,coplesitoare , sunt droguri.  
 Si ma gandesc la placere. La placerea aia si le senzatia
de explozie din inima. Probabil ca in cazul unui drog
normal resimti aceasta placere si explozie la nivelul
creierului. Dar , amintindu mi sentimentele de atunci
si combinandu-le cu cele de acum ajung la o stare
de sufocare , de acaparare a intregului corp.
Simt ca nu mai am aer si ca nu ma pot gandi decat
la asta. mi-aduc aminte in clipele alea ca eram atat
de emotionata si de molesita incat tot corpul imi
parea greu si nu puteam sa tin ochii deschisi , era
un fel de somnolenta alerta.
  si pana la urma , de ce sa refuzam drogurile? sunt
unele droguri nocive, de proasta calitate care ne fac
mai mult sa suferim decat sa fim in extaz si evident
exista si marfa buna , care merita totul.

tu de care marfa esti? Marfa buna sau proasta? Ma poti
aduce la extaz sau ma poti face doar sa sufar?

Ah , tinerete, imbata-ma!

Julie

What's there about him.

 the first moment I saw him I wondered where does the
sparkle come from. There was shine in his eyes , a touch
of mistery and lots of intelligence . That's how I first
became interested in him.
  He seemed the kind of guy wanting to have fun , but
there was also something else. I wasn't expecting to find
out what that was , but we were soon given the chance
to spend some time together , a lot more time than it
could have ever crossed my mind.
  And that's how I discovered that he wasn't who I
thought he would be. He had a brilliance in thought and
also the ability to make you wonder why he was exactly
the way you saw him.
  there was something challenging about him. How could
I not have fallen for him? I even told him how much I
admired his own way of being , his achievements , his luck.
  Nowadays , I just know that I want to be exactly how he
is . Why? He is just ... I have no word to describe him exactly
the way he is. He is smart and also charming , though he
is not necessarily pretty. He has this kind of charm and mistery
and sparkling eyes that attract you. But above all , there's
his mind. His brilliant mind and way of thinking. I had too much
to learn from this man of almost my age not to consider him
my mentor. Indeed he is , but he doesn't even know it.
  And then , there 2 more. Sparkling and amazing as well.
  I can only thank these 3 men for existing and making me
realise what I might lose if I do not pursue my dreams. 

oh , it's enough praising for tonight. Thank you : R, P and T.


Have a wonderful evening and a great year ,
all the best , 

Julia 

Life& love

Somebody told me one day that i was going to find my prince
someday but he was not the one.
Everyday i believe more and more that there is no such thing
as my prince charming riding the white horse. I keep waiting
for the right one to appear but he just keeps saying no to my
wishes , because i refuse to beg.
I've fallen out for a guy and i don't know if what i feel is real.
Of course , he doesn't know and if he would even read this
he would say that definetly he isn't that " one" that i am talking
about.
I haven't ever fallen in such a deep way for someone. Or maybe
just once , but let's say it was because i had known that person
for many years. Now , i know nothing about him , he's a mistery,
he gives me hopes , he takes them , i felt betrayed by him some
time ago and now , when history repeats i'm in the same situation.
  If he would make me feel like the most stupid person on earth right
now , next time i would do exactly the same , i mean leting him
know exactly what i feel for him.
   I feel so old. It makes me feel old. Love makes me feel old. I'm done
with considering all the possible options , I'm done with interpreting all
his gestures, I'm done with everything.
   But who is going to believe me? I don't even believe me. Why would
you? Why would he?
   I'm dumb. I don't even learn although i have great plans and some
people have great expectations. tomorow i have test papers in physics
and TIC. So what? I don't even bother. I'm too old for anything.
   And you know what's funny? I'm one of the most open-minded and
natural people in my class , but when it comes to him i'm the funniest
and dumbest person ever. I pretend not to see him , i refuse to talk
to him , i do the worst things ever.
   What is there left to say? I feel stupid , in love with  the dumbest boy,
i feel old , i feel tired and i really am what i feel.

I am what i do and what i do is who i am.

I feel tired.

 I feel so damn tired. where are those sunny days when
all i had to do is lie down with a glass of still water and lemon
or with a cup of coffee and look at the sky?
 And i don't know if i am tired phisically. I think it's this
feeling that i have been having for a while , that school
isn't what i want to do. Or at least , here , in romania.
  I've been yearning for the BR meeting since school begun.
And here I am , 2 days before leaving. It's a really nice
feeling , knowing that I am going to meet again all those
peoplethat i fell in love with . I really miss them.
  and the best part is that on saturday night we're havin
a party \:d/. and what i know for sure is that i am
going to be there , that the so-called " soul of the party" paul
is going to be there , that 2 special persons that i am
getting more and more attached to are going to be there,
and now that i think about it more i realise that many
of the people i care about are going to be there. And we're
going to have a great time. I know it for sure. 
  But i still feel tired. Because i am tired of proving who
i really am to people who don't even deserve a look from
me. I deserve more but i have to work for it more and more.
And what i want needs so much time that i'd have to
give up things that i have to do but i don't want to.
  I want to give up. But i still have fiath and ambition and
i am a continous source of creativity and that's why i won't
give up. I have people who believe in me , people who
love me for who i am and who know that i am made of a
a very hard steel that won't torn into pieces at the first
pale of wind.
   I am proud of my first weekend in bucharest. :) It's
going to be magical , sprinkled with lots of pixie-dust
and wonderful people . Add some feelings of friendship,
some memories , some stress , and you'll get the mood.
  It's going to be stresfull ( very early wake up , train
to bucharest , sessions until about 6 in the evening ,
lovely parties and games:X:X:X until i don't know what
hour , wake up early in the morning , bussines planning
session , train back to ploiesti , i might get home or i might
not , because i have LMT classes in the afternoon with one
of the people i just left :) , so it's gonna be stressfull ).
   and that reminds me about how tired i am and how
much i want my own time and a holiday.
   i am going to sleep.
  Good night :)

Iulia

well.

Well it's hard . I want to do a lot of things but i have no
support. It's annoying. Really.
 most of them are parties but does it really matter? :-"
 I want to get involved into some interesting projects,
but it's quite hard when you have parents who dissaprove
of staying late , spending nights in bucharest or being alone when
leaving by train.
  It's quite hard not to have independence although you are
only 16. But I can't say i'm not trying. I really am. I'm really
getting a small piece of it , but sooner or later i'll have it.
  My biggest problem is that i don't have parents to say , go
there and do your job. It's something like : well , what are
you going to do there? is it necessary? does it help? Will
it be useful for your future? Are you sure? who are you
going to see there? do you know them? do you know anyone?
 Quite hard , right?
  Well at least they trust lmt , and ...ummm....lmt?
  They know all the people i know. It's something like : i'm
meeting the Br guys on saturday . Really? yeap. Are you
going with that nice girl you've been with in the czezh republic?
Is the girl from oricum coming too? are you going to see the guy
that you are having that lmt training too? is the guy that i saw
on teo , that marian , coming too?
 It's exhausting , believe me.
 And my form teacher.... oh god. if i understood what he means
whenever he is talking i wouldn't share my frustrated thoughts
on the internet , blogging.
  He doesn't understand english. He doesn't understand romanian
either even though he teaches it.  he has the most comunist
conceptions about the world and he is ambitious in stupid
issues. He is stubborn just like a mule.

pf. I'm going to sleep.
see you tomorrow probably with new things that i hate.

Bye bye.

Iulia

My kind of guy

 I'm in a strange ... feeling. I'm in it. I'm into it. It
sounds weird , I don't think it's actually right to
say such a thing in english , but let's just say that
I have the license to do it.
  So. I'm in a strange feeling. I'm in a Carrie feeling.
About 15 minutes I ended watching Sex& The city,
the movie.
  It was great. It was amazing. I watched the TV
series more than once , but... It's not the same.
I know it's just a movie but...
   There are always 'but-s'. But.But.But.
    Well.
    It's so real. I realised how much these girls
care about each other in the moment Carrie got
dumped. And I wondered :
         Do I have 3 other girlfriends to do that for me?
    I don't.
    Will I get dumped?
     Will I get my own Big?
   I really want my own Big. I just love that man.
I love the appearance of Chris Noth and the
charater of John Preston . Mr Big. Mr Right. Or,
how I like to call him The Big.
  The Big. He's big. He's tall . He's handsome.
He's rich. He's a man. He has issues. He isn't
perfect , but ( again) that is what makes The Big
perfect.
  He's done a lot of wrong things. He's the worst
choice from all the choices. But... It's natural. I
realised about 2 seconds ago that the only guy
I really loved made me suffer like hell. And even
now I think of him. And even now I wonder if ...
If he'd come back now would I say yes? I tried
to picture myself in this situation and I pictured
myself saying that he's a man-hore. But. I don't
actually think that if he would appear here
devastated after the situation I know he's in ,
telling me ' Sorry , I'm a dumb ass , could you please
forgive me? Please tell me you still love me '
I would say no.
  Even now. Every guy has to be compared to him.
He's been The Big. And I want to get rid of this thing.
  Every and each one of us has its Big. Some chose
him wisely , some didn't. I'm in the second .
   But. I'm trying to get in the first. Now I just have to
find The Big. The real one.




Myriam Lacroche

You

 Well. We have each other. But will you betray my faith?
I guess you will. I suppose you will. But I hope you won't.
  It's a strange feeling. This whole betrayal thing. But it
did trap me inside , somehow. I feel as if I were trapped
in a strange cage , that allows me to touch the world
around me , but that makes it impossible for me to
actually connect with it , entirely.
  And i have a key for this cage. To open it. And I
don't even know if it's the right key , or if it's a fake
because I am too afraid to try.
  I had a dream last night. And it expressed so well
the way I feel , that I ended up crying . It's exhausting.
To keep thinking and thinking and thinking and not
finding the wrong thing you are doing and not knowing
whose fault is it. Yours or theirs?
  I realised I miss school. But not because I miss learning.
But because the cage seems to get bigger when I'm
in school. I can almost connect to the world. ALMOST.
  
  And now I'm in await for a miracle. And it's so strange.
My hopes are definetly overcoming any possible truth,
but I keep hoping. Stupid me. Foolish me.
  Why do I keep seeing nice things and nice people and...
where actually there aren't such things?
   Does love exist? And I'm not talking about the love
as " they found each other , they fell for each other ,
married and lived happily ever after " . I'm talking
about love between friends and people. About being
able to care about somebody even though it's not
a relative or a friend. About caring and loving your
place on this world not just for yourself.
   We are so egocentric. So damn egocentric. We only
think about ourselves . And maybe that's why I am
so dissapointed. Because I tried to show the world
some love , the little I could offer and the world
showed me nothing but hate and misundertanding.
  It's bad to be good. It's bad to feel. It's bad to love.
   I can only hope for someone to share my dreams.
the bad part is that I have already chosen that
person and I don't know if I will be chosen back.
It always happens like that.
    Now , I am leaving. I refuse to speak to the
world. I am going somewhere away , where
no one could find me. But I am sure no one would
even try as my phone never rings in summer.
    Goodbye. I hope to write again with happier
thoughts...

Myriam Lacroche
   

Betrayal

 what does this word mean?
 Well. let's see. when usually a woman talks about
betrayal people generally suppose a man must
be involved too.
  For me it's not.
  It has never been.
  But.
  I feel betrayal . I feel betrayed. I feel as if I gave
my soul to someone and that person has other
souls to handle and has left mine behind.
  I feel left behind. I would beg for some attention.
  Because i can't seem to find what i am seeking for.
 And.... The betrayers find it. Without me. And that
is why I feel betrayed.
  It's stupid isn't it?
  At least , it looks stupid. I might not have the gift
of talking . I might not be pretty. I might not have
done a great job dumping a great guy. But how
guilty am I?
   I feel guilt. I feel the guilt of the entire planet.
And no one feels my guilt. I bare the sins of the
universe but i refuse to weigh mine.
  I am scared that one day i will wake up alone.
  I am afraid i will be betrayed continously.
  I fear the fact that the bearer of my soul will
always leave it behind.
  I fear the fact that i will never know the real
weight of my sin , and that i will always  believe
it's bigger than it really is.
   I feel that the whole world can't understand me.
Why , oh why , big world , why don't you understand?
  Why don't you take my happiness forever?
  I am done with being happy for a second and waking
up for the following minute to realise my happiness
was an illussion.
   Why do i feel betrayed?
   By the world , the sky , the sea , the rain , the trees,
why do they all betray me?
   Why am I the only chosen?
    I keep hoping there must be another person in
my situation. And when we'll meet we'll forget
the betrayal of the others and focus on ourselves.
    There is only one person who could never
betray me. And there is no longer the person who
never did. I love them both. I still do.  And if i
can wish anything is that one day we'll meet again
to apologise to the ones who never betrayed me and
whom i betrayed.
      Why do people invent so many things?
      Technology is meant to make you suffer.
     It's meant to make you feel small , cheap,
and left behind. The world is going on without you,
but you can't stop it. Technology can show you how
much you mean to people. And usually you will be
dissapointed , because you'll realise that you don't
mean that much to that person...
   It's a matter of development.
  You have to step on others' bodies to make your
own way.


Myriam Lacroche